Coping with another person’s pain

​When your family member is in pain, you are suffering too. The “mirror neurons” in our brains are programmed to recognize pain in others. That’s good news, in that it arouses compassion and spurs us to action. But it can be bad news, too. When you’re highly attuned to a loved one’s pain, you’re at higher risk of depression and self-neglect.

Learn about pain management. Your ability to reduce your relative’s experience of pain will help both of you.

• Report symptoms and ask questions. Ask the doctor for a consult with a palliative care specialist. They have special training in pain control.
  
• Learn about medications. Master the steps you can take to lessen pain when it occurs. Our article on managing pain provides guidelines for other remedies you can use at home.
  
• Accept what is beyond your power and focus on what you can control.
  
• Emphasize comfort. Remind yourself, “Today, I may not be able to stop the pain, but I can still [prepare food, massage feet, etc.].”
  
• Provide distractions. If your family member is engaged in an activity, he or she is less likely to be aware of the pain.
  
• Take a time out. Be stress free for a while. Do something fun. Guilt is not productive. Being in emotional or physical pain yourself is not going to make your loved one feel any better. When you as the caregiver are refreshed, however, everyone benefits.
  
• Complete a project. Counteract your feelings of powerlessness by accomplishing something. Think small and simple. Clean out a drawer or bake a batch of cookies.
  
• Tap in to your spiritual/religious beliefs. Make time for prayer or meditation. Listen to a talk on the radio. Read an inspirational book.